1. 3 years ago 
    "A word to the wise ain’t necessary — it’s the stupid ones that need the advice."
    - Bill Cosby
  2. 3 years ago 
    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
    - Anonymous
  3. Notes: 1 / 3 years ago 

    A website after my own fucking undead heart. Bluntcard

  4. 3 years ago 

    Makers and Progenies. Sounds Like a Fucking Dan Brown Bestseller.

    Can you shed more light on the relationship between a vampire and his/her maker? For example, is the maker ever responsible for the actions of the vampire he/she created? Is there any punishment if a vampire kills his/her maker or vice versa?

    —

    When a vampire turns a human, a bond between them is created. This bond cannot be broken; it is eternally strong and may be called upon by the maker at any time. It is a vampire’s responsibility to continue their lineage to those who they find worthy. It is a personal choice, one predicated by a variety of reasons known only to the vampire in question. The progeny becomes as if a familiar to the maker; similar to a child, or brother/sister, or even a lover.

    Indeed, the maker can be responsible for the actions of a progeny. There is always punishments when our numbers are decreased by either a maker or a progeny. Such situations are heard on a case by case basis to determine the facts behind such disgraceful actions. They are quite rare in comparison to business offences.

    Punishments must fit the crime but can range from a term in a silver-lined coffin to silver torture to merely paying compensation.

    Of course, that does not factor in the times when I am feeling rather… creative.

  5. 3 years ago 
    "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
    - Noel Coward
  6. 3 years ago 
    "The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth. To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient only for a herd of cattle."
    - Albert Einstein
  7. Notes: 4 / 3 years ago 
    "Stupidity isn’t punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop."
    - Anita Blake
  8. Notes: 2 / 3 years ago 
    Facebook

    Who was the idiot who told me Facebook would cure my boredom?

  9. 3 years ago 
    "It is not wisdom but authority that makes a law."
    - Thomas Hobbes
  10. 3 years ago 

    Mainstreaming fucktard.

    Dear Charles, I mean Dear Magister,

    I am the distraught maker of one. My progeny insists on denying his true nature as Vampire and has chosen to fall in love with a….human. I devoted 73 years of his death to raising him and this is how he repays me?

    Recently, I was called by an associate of his to pay him a visit and ‘detain’ him in his hotel room. When I arrived, I was shocked to see what his behavior had deteriorated to. I thought I taught him how to be a bloodthirsty killing machine and a damn good lay, but the Vampire that stands before me now is merely a shell of his former self. He drinks bottled blood and recycles. He smells sweet and cheap like his human. When he was living with me, he brutalized men and women, drained them dry and then fucked me silly just like a good little Vampire.

    My question is, How can I get my boy to act like he should or perhaps even put on the facade to make his mother feel better? Do I even bother? He is my only son and I cannot stand to see him make a fool of himself. I will use any means necessary to attain my goal.

    Sincerely,

    Babysitting My Broody Boy

    —

    My dearest Lorena Dear Babysitting My Broody Boy

    Mainstreaming pussies are… well, pussies. In the worst sense of the word, because I have a fondness for pussy in general. Especially those that sit on my lap.

    I am getting off track.

    Vampires of this age are pathetic; a waste of a superior being for the sake of ‘humanity’. Today, I am hearing words about ‘conscience’ and ‘morality’. Some even dare suggest we are equals. It is nonsense upon stilts.

    Unfortunately it appears your child has become ‘domesticated’. It is your right as a maker to command your progeny; however, as much as I have enjoyed and supported this method for over 15 centuries, vampires today can be unpredictable. They wish their freedom and rebel against authority. Fucking hippies.

    The point, my dear, is that the more you push him into your chosen (and let me say, delightful) lifestyle, the more he will resist you.

    Have you considered waiting for him to get over his temper tantrum? Perhaps Miss Sweet and Cheap will tire of him soon. And vampires such as your little hippie are incredibly reluctant to turn a human so she has, what, 60 more years at best?

    Of course, you can always kill her *grins* Five years in one of MY silver-chained coffins would not be so bad, correct?

    (Two years if you wear your nun’s habit for me while sauntering around with your wind machine and menacing soundtrack.)

    Good luck, my dear.

    — The Magister (AKA My name is Chuck and I like to fuck)

  11. 3 years ago 
    The Magisterial Estate in Dallas. I told you it was quite…large. Though not as large as some of my others.

    The Magisterial Estate in Dallas.

    I told you it was quite…large.

    Though not as large as some of my others.

     
  12. 3 years ago 
    "Judgement, not passion, should prevail."
    - Epicharmus
  13. 3 years ago 
    "It is madness for sheep to talk peace with a wolf."
    - Thomas Fuller
  14. 3 years ago 

    Do you question my authority?

  15. 3 years ago 

    Dallas, Dallas, it’s always fucking Dallas.

    Advice, please.

    I’m currently bein’ held in the basement of a Fellowship of the Sun Church here in Dallas.  Reason bein’ is that I agreed with a vampire, who’ll remain nameless, that I’d come to Dallas to help him locate a missin’ Vampire Sheriff.

    So I get to Dallas, and the only real way for me to figure out where this missin’ Sheriff is is to go undercover.  Well, as things ended up, the human fella I went with to the Church ended up sellin’ us both down the river.

    Well, here’s my question.  If a bunch of vampires decide to bust up the church to find the missin’ Sheriff and me, would I be responsible in any way for the resultin’ bloodshed that might ensue?

    I’m wonderin’ this ‘cause if they do find us, it’ll be because I probably led ‘em all here.  No need to go into the how and why.


    Thanks,

    Trapped Telepath in Dallas TX

    —

    Let me get this right, my dear Trapped Telepath in Dallas TX…

    You are concerned by the possibility of a group of superior vampires breaking into a church filled with zealots, fucktards committing fucktardary against vampires, innocent women and children and Leave it to Beaver lookalikes? And you may be blamed for such an attack?

    Back in my day, I would have simply burned the church to the ground with everyone inside. In fact I did. Several hundred times.

    My dear, you may be the catalyst for the attack but you are not the cause.

    Something tells me that Nan Flanagan may hold a different viewpoint.

    I will enjoy watching the bonfire on Sunday night *grins*

    — The Magister

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I am the Magister. The adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America. Do you question my authority? BACK YOUR SHIT DOWN.
 
You may submit claims or questions here. If you are lucky, I may answer them.
 
Are you following me on twitter and Facebook? If you are not, why the fuck aren't you?
 
Forgive me. I'm surrounded by livestock and fucktards. And I do not drink that 'True Blood' crap.
 
 

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