1. 2 years ago 

   Mainstreaming fucktard.

   Dear Charles, I mean Dear Magister,
   
   I am the distraught maker of one. My progeny insists on denying his true nature as Vampire and has chosen to fall in love with a….human. I devoted 73 years of his death to raising him and this is how he repays me?
   
   Recently, I was called by an associate of his to pay him a visit and ‘detain’ him in his hotel room. When I arrived, I was shocked to see what his behavior had deteriorated to. I thought I taught him how to be a bloodthirsty killing machine and a damn good lay, but the Vampire that stands before me now is merely a shell of his former self. He drinks bottled blood and recycles. He smells sweet and cheap like his human. When he was living with me, he brutalized men and women, drained them dry and then fucked me silly just like a good little Vampire.
   
   My question is, How can I get my boy to act like he should or perhaps even put on the facade to make his mother feel better? Do I even bother? He is my only son and I cannot stand to see him make a fool of himself. I will use any means necessary to attain my goal.
   
   Sincerely,
   
   Babysitting My Broody Boy

   —

   My dearest Lorena Dear Babysitting My Broody Boy

   Mainstreaming pussies are… well, pussies. In the worst sense of the word, because I have a fondness for pussy in general. Especially those that sit on my lap.

   I am getting off track.

   Vampires of this age are pathetic; a waste of a superior being for the sake of ‘humanity’. Today, I am hearing words about ‘conscience’ and ‘morality’. Some even dare suggest we are equals. It is nonsense upon stilts.

   Unfortunately it appears your child has become ‘domesticated’. It is your right as a maker to command your progeny; however, as much as I have enjoyed and supported this method for over 15 centuries, vampires today can be unpredictable. They wish their freedom and rebel against authority. Fucking hippies.

   The point, my dear, is that the more you push him into your chosen (and let me say, delightful) lifestyle, the more he will resist you.

   Have you considered waiting for him to get over his temper tantrum? Perhaps Miss Sweet and Cheap will tire of him soon. And vampires such as your little hippie are incredibly reluctant to turn a human so she has, what, 60 more years at best?

   Of course, you can always kill her *grins* Five years in one of MY silver-chained coffins would not be so bad, correct?

   (Two years if you wear your nun’s habit for me while sauntering around with your wind machine and menacing soundtrack.)

   Good luck, my dear.

   — The Magister (AKA My name is Chuck and I like to fuck)

I am the Magister. The adjudicator for every vampire territory in North America. Do you question my authority? BACK YOUR SHIT DOWN.
 
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Forgive me. I'm surrounded by livestock and fucktards. And I do not drink that 'True Blood' crap.

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